Telephone Joke

"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"

The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."

Vocabulary Help

• speak (speak, spoke, spoke) - falar
• hot - quente
• water - água
• allow - permitir
• bring (bring, brought, brought) - trazer
• bathroom - banheiro
• shower - banho de chuveiro
• sure - certamente
• neighbour - vizinho
• handle - lidar, tratar

Vulgar jokes

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of prostitutes in London?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow."

Vocabulary Help

• joke - piada
• nasty - nojento
• walk out - sair
• got wind - ouvir falar
• plot - complô
• shortage - escassez
• stand up - levantar
• head for - ir em direção a

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Vocabulary Help

• drag - arrastar
• neighborhood - vizinhança
• bark - latir
• wink of sleep - um pouco de sono
• drawer - gaveta
• sample medications - amostras grátis
• sleeping pills - pílulas para dormir
• let's give it a shot - vamos tentar
• later - mais tarde
• worse than ever - pior do que nunca
• tired - cansada
• shake - balançar
• wearily - cansada
• chase - caçar
• swallow - engolir

Six cups

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, and replied,"Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief."Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Vocabulary Help

• blonde - loura
• grab - agarrar
• thermos - garrafa térmica
• hurry(ied) - correr, ir depressa
• hold (hold, held, held_ - segurar
• quickly - rapidamente
• come (come, came, came) over - veio
• take her order - receber o pedido
• enough - suficiente
• looks like - parece
• sigh in relief - respirar aliviada
• decaf(feinated) - descafeinado

Sex Pills

-- "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..."

-- "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

-- The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

-- "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

-- "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

-- "Um... Okay."

-- The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

-- His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... Too..."

Vocabulary Help

• awfully - terrivelmente
• dessert - sobremesa
• worry - preocupar
• drop - colocar
• shudder - tremer
• sigh - suspirar
• deeply - profundamente
• whisper - suspiro
• glitter - brilhar

What they think of us

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don't care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all."

Vocabulary Help

• age - idade
• worry - preocupar
• think (think, thought, thought) - pensar
• care - preocupar
• discover - descobrir

Sex

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Vocabulary Help

• dad - pai
• litter - ninhada
• kitten - filhotinho
• breathlessly - ofegante
• pick up - pegar
• look - olhar
• underneath - embaixo
• printed - impresso
• bottom - parte de baixo

Road painting

One day this blonde got hired for a job, painting lines on the road.

The first day on the job she painted 20 miles of lines, the second day she painted only 15 miles, the next day 10 miles and then the next only 5 miles.

That day her boss asked her "How can you do 20 miles of lines one day then 3 days later only do 5 miles of lines?"

"It's one long walk back to that paint can!" she replies.

Vocabulary Help

• road - estrada
• boss - chefe
• long walk - longa caminhada
• paint can - lata de tinta

Perfect People

Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.

Mary Poppins

Vocabulary Help

• muddle - confundir, atrapalhar

Rights

Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.

E.W. Howe

Vocabulary Help

• rights - direitos
• women - mulheres
• wrongs - erros