The husband lineup

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

Vocabulary Help

• husband - marido
• lineup - ficar em fila
• die - morrer
• heaven - paraíso
• line - fila
• said and done - dito e feito
• get mad - ficar furioso, nervoso
• ashamed - envergonhado
• whip - chicote
• mate - companheira
• son - filho
• proud - orgulhoso
• learn (learn, learnt, learnt) - aprender
• wife - esposa
• stand here - ficar aqui

The Half Cake Diet

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Vocabulary Help

• gain - ganhar
• weight - peso
• cake - bolo
• weekend - final de semana
• eat (eat, ate, eaten) - comer
• half - metade
• dinner - jantar
• stare - olhar fixamente
• thin - fino
• slice - fatia
• lead (lead, led, led) - conduzir, levar
• whole - inteiro
• upset - desapontada
• lack - falta
• willpower - força de vontade
• husband - marido
• commiserate - solidarizar-se com, simpatizar
• find out - descobrir
• smile - sorrir
• make (make, made, made) - fazer

The Father and His Sons

A FATHER had a family of sons who were perpetually quarreling among themselves. When he failed to heal their disputes by his exhortations, he determined to give them a practical illustration of the evils of disunion; and for this purpose he one day told them to bring him a bundle of sticks.

When they had done so, he placed the faggot into the hands of each of them in succession, and ordered them to break it in pieces. They tried with all their strength, and were not able to do it. He next opened the faggot, took the sticks separately, one by one, and again put them into his sons hands, upon which they broke them easily. He then addressed them in these words: "My sons, if you are of one mind, and unite to assist each other, you will be as this faggot, uninjured by all the attempts of your enemies; but if you are divided among yourselves, you will be broken as easily as these sticks.

Vocabulary Help

• father - pai
• sons - filhos
• quarrel - brigas, disputas
• fail - falhar
• heal - curar
• give (give, gave, given) - dar
• evils - males
• tell (tell, told, told) - dizer, contar
• bundle of sticks - punhado de gravetos
• faggot - feixe
• enemy (enemies) - inimigos
• break (break, broke, broken) - quebrar
• strength - força
• take (take, took, taken) - tomar, pegar
• again - novamente
• uninjured - ileso

The Five Secrets To A Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.

Vocabulary Help

• find (find, found, found) - encontrar
• work around the house - cuida da casa
• cook - cozinhar
• clean - fazer a limpeza
• make you laugh - te faz rir
• dependable - confiável
• lie - mentir
• never meet - nunca se encontrem

The Fight

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said."Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said."So I threw one at him."

The mother stated emphatically,"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

The boy quickly replied,"What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."

Vocabulary Help

• fight - luta, briga
• ashamed - envergonhada
• throw (thrown, threw, thrown) - jogar, arremessar
• rock - pedra
• quick(ly) - rapidamente
• reply - responder
• aim - pontaria

The Father

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor" the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I am a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine".

"Nonsense" the doctor said "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool".

"It isn't possible, this can't be". the man insisted.

"Our families on both sides have had jet black hair for generations".

"Well how often do you have sex with your wife", asked the doctor.

The man seemed a bit embarrassed. "I have been working very hard for the past year. We only make love once or twice every few months".

"Well there you have it", the doctor said confidently, "Its Rust".

Vocabulary Help

• bear (bear, bore, born) - ser gerado, nascer
• don´t mind - não me importo
• tell (tell, told, told) - contar
• upset - chateado
• daughter - filha
• nonsense - besteira
• even though - mesmo que
• both - ambos
• jet black hair - cabelo muito escuro
• how often - com que frequencia
• rust - ferrugem

The Farmer and the Cranes

SOME CRANES made their feeding grounds on some plowlands newly sown with wheat. For a long time the Farmer, brandishing an empty sling, chased them away by the terror he inspired; but when the birds found that the sling was only swung in the air, they ceased to take any notice of it and would not move. The Farmer, on seeing this, charged his sling with stones, and killed a great number. The remaining birds at once forsook his fields, crying to each other, "It is time for us to be off to Liliput: for this man is no longer content to scare us, but begins to show us in earnest what he can do.

If words suffice not, blows must follow.

Vocabulary Help

• feeding ground - local de alimentação
• plowland - campo arado
• sown - semeado
• wheat - trigo
• brandish - brandir
• sling - estilingue
• chase - caçar
• swing - balançar, girar
• cease - parar, cessar
• take notice - notar

The Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

-- "I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

-- "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Vocabulary Help

• boss - chefe
• complain - reclamar
• staff meeting - reunião dos funcionários
• get any respect - não estava sendo respeitado
• sign shop - loja onde se vendem posters, avisos, painéis
• buy (buy, bought, bought) - comprar
• sign - aviso
• taped a note - colou um aviso
• wife - esposa

What are you doing with the pig?

At the local bar there sat a lady with a duck under her arm.

The town drunk staggered into the bar and said "What are you doing with the Pig?"

The lady jumps up and says, "I will have you know this a Duck, Not a Pig."

The drunk replies "I was talking to the Duck"

Vocabulary Help

• sit (sit, sat, sat) - sentar
• duck - pato
• arm - braço
• town drunk - o bêbado da cidade
• stagger - cambalear
• jump up - pular
• reply - responder

The Ants and the Grasshopper

THE ANTS were spending a fine winters day drying grain collected in the summertime.

A Grasshopper, perishing with famine, passed by and earnestly begged for a little food. The Ants inquired of him, "Why did you not treasure up food during the summer?

He replied, "I had not leisure enough. I passed the days in singing. They then said in derision: "If you were foolish enough to sing all the summer, you must dance supperless to bed in the winter.

Vocabulary Help

• ant - formiga
• dry - secar
• grain - grão
• summertime - verão
• grasshopper - cigarra
• perish - perecer
• beg - implorar, suplicar
• treasure up food - acumular comida
• leisure - lazer
• sing - cantar
• derision - desprezo
• fool - tolo
• supperless - sem jantar

The Adopted Bird

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Vocabulary Help

• turtle - tartaruga
• climb - subir
• tree - árvore
• effort - esforço
• reach - alcançar
• jump - pular
• wave - balançar
• arm - braço
• slowly - lentamente
• ground - chão
• couple of birds - casal de pássaros
• branch - galho
• sad - triste
• mate - companheiro
• it's time - está na hora

Telephone Joke

"Hello, this is your local Zoo speaking. Do you like animals? We are experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom for a shower?"

The most common response: "Well, sure, but my neighbour's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle elephants."

Vocabulary Help

• speak (speak, spoke, spoke) - falar
• hot - quente
• water - água
• allow - permitir
• bring (bring, brought, brought) - trazer
• bathroom - banheiro
• shower - banho de chuveiro
• sure - certamente
• neighbour - vizinho
• handle - lidar, tratar

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Vocabulary Help

• Sunday School - escola dominical
• ten commandments - dez mandamentos
• honor thy father and thy mother - honrai pai e mãe
• brother - irmão
• sister - irmã
• without missing a beat - sem perder tempo
• thou shall not kill - não matarás

Stranded on an island

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

Vocabulary Help

• stranded - perdidas
• island - ilha
• brunette - morena
• redhead - ruiva
• blonde - loira
• mainland - continente
• shore - praia
• swim (swim, swam, swum) - nadar
• tired - cansada
• drown - afogar
• made it - conseguir
• starve - morrer de fome
• endurance - resistência
• in sight - a vista
• swim back - voltar

Speaking to the Driver

In the U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver."

In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."

In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."

In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"

And in Italy: "Don't answer the driver."

Vocabulary Help

• bus - ônibus
• sign - placa
• speak (speak, spoke, spoken) - falar
• driver - motorista
• forbidden - proibido
• refrain - não se permitir a
• gain - ganhar

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Vocabulary Help

• drag - arrastar
• neighborhood - vizinhança
• bark - latir
• wink of sleep - um pouco de sono
• drawer - gaveta
• sample medications - amostras grátis
• sleeping pills - pílulas para dormir
• let's give it a shot - vamos tentar
• later - mais tarde
• worse than ever - pior do que nunca
• tired - cansada
• shake - balançar
• wearily - cansada
• chase - caçar
• swallow - engolir

blood test

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

Vocabulary Help

• afraid - com medo
• astonished - surpreso
• blood test - exame de sangue
• child - criança
• come (come, came, come) - vir
• cry - chorar
• cut (cut, cut, cut) - cortar
• finger - dedo
• loudly - alto
• outside - fora

The Letter of Reference

To Whom It May Concern:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
  hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
  wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
  thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
  finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
  measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
  breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
  vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
  knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
  classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
  dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
  promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
  executed as soon as possible.

Delivered a short time later:

"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line."

Vocabulary Help

• always - sempre
• find (find, found, found) - encontrado
• fellow employees - companheiros de trabalho
• assignments - tarefas
• skip coffee breaks - não usar os intervalos de café
• vanity - vaidade
• in spite of - apesar de
• accomplishments - realizações
• shoulder - ombro
• every other line - ler pulando uma linha

Rooster Race

An old rooster sees a young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So, you're the new guy in town. I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? I'm not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap."

"I'll still win easily," said the young cocky rooster.

So, the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gather around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on.

After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old roosters lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he just barely led the young rooster. By then, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shotgun, and ran out to the barn yard, figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away. He walked away slowly, saying to himself.........

"That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Vocabulary Help

• rooster - galo
• strut - andar orgulhosamente
• worry - preocupação
• new guy - cara novo
• town - cidade
• bet - apostar
• chopping block - matadouro
• challenge - desafio
• race - corrida
• hen house - galinheiro
• proud sort - tipo orgulhoso
• head start - vantagem
• half a lap - meia volta
• maintain - manter
• shotgun - espingarda
• barn yard - pátio do celeiro
• figure - imaginar
• fox - raposa

College Test

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a test.

I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

Absolutely, said the professor. In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello.

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Vocabulary Help

• breeze through - passar os olhos rapidamente
• joke - piada, gozação
• tall - alta
• dark-haired - morena
• hand in the paper - entregar o teste
• blank - em branco
• quiz - prova, teste
• career - carreira
• meet (meet, met, met) - encontrar
• deserve - merecer
• care - cuidado, atenção
• smile - sorrir
• forget (forget, forgot, forgotten) - esquecer
• learn (learn, learnt, learnt) - aprender