Speaking to the Driver

In the U.S. of A., buses will have a sign saying "Don't speak to the driver."

In Germany, the sign reads: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."

In England: "You are graciously requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."

In Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"

And in Italy: "Don't answer the driver."

Vocabulary Help

• bus - ônibus
• sign - placa
• speak (speak, spoke, spoken) - falar
• driver - motorista
• forbidden - proibido
• refrain - não se permitir a
• gain - ganhar

Vulgar jokes

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of prostitutes in London?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow."

Vocabulary Help

• joke - piada
• nasty - nojento
• walk out - sair
• got wind - ouvir falar
• plot - complô
• shortage - escassez
• stand up - levantar
• head for - ir em direção a

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Vocabulary Help

• drag - arrastar
• neighborhood - vizinhança
• bark - latir
• wink of sleep - um pouco de sono
• drawer - gaveta
• sample medications - amostras grátis
• sleeping pills - pílulas para dormir
• let's give it a shot - vamos tentar
• later - mais tarde
• worse than ever - pior do que nunca
• tired - cansada
• shake - balançar
• wearily - cansada
• chase - caçar
• swallow - engolir

Six cups

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, and replied,"Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief."Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Vocabulary Help

• blonde - loura
• grab - agarrar
• thermos - garrafa térmica
• hurry(ied) - correr, ir depressa
• hold (hold, held, held_ - segurar
• quickly - rapidamente
• come (come, came, came) over - veio
• take her order - receber o pedido
• enough - suficiente
• looks like - parece
• sigh in relief - respirar aliviada
• decaf(feinated) - descafeinado

Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing stock. Here is one of those stories.

As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris.

When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him:

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

The driver said: "No Sir, I have never seen you before." The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle.

The driver replied: "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle." Doyle said:

"This is truly amazing. You are a real life counter part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

Vocabulary Help

• tales - histórias
• laughing stock - objeto de gozação, riso
• railway station - estação ferroviária
• flabbergasted - surpreso
• puzzled - surpreso, espantado
• skin - pele
• ink spot - marca de tinta
• clothing - vestuário
• amazing - surpreendente

Sex Pills

-- "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..."

-- "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."

-- The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

-- "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

-- "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

-- "Um... Okay."

-- The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

-- His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... Too..."

Vocabulary Help

• awfully - terrivelmente
• dessert - sobremesa
• worry - preocupar
• drop - colocar
• shudder - tremer
• sigh - suspirar
• deeply - profundamente
• whisper - suspiro
• glitter - brilhar

What they think of us

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don't care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all."

Vocabulary Help

• age - idade
• worry - preocupar
• think (think, thought, thought) - pensar
• care - preocupar
• discover - descobrir

Sex

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Vocabulary Help

• dad - pai
• litter - ninhada
• kitten - filhotinho
• breathlessly - ofegante
• pick up - pegar
• look - olhar
• underneath - embaixo
• printed - impresso
• bottom - parte de baixo

Aprenda as cores em inglês:

Red

Blue

Green

Yellow

White

Black

Gray

Orange

Pink

Beige

Turquoise

Purple

blood test

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

Vocabulary Help

• afraid - com medo
• astonished - surpreso
• blood test - exame de sangue
• child - criança
• come (come, came, come) - vir
• cry - chorar
• cut (cut, cut, cut) - cortar
• finger - dedo
• loudly - alto
• outside - fora