The husband lineup

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

Vocabulary Help

• husband - marido
• lineup - ficar em fila
• die - morrer
• heaven - paraíso
• line - fila
• said and done - dito e feito
• get mad - ficar furioso, nervoso
• ashamed - envergonhado
• whip - chicote
• mate - companheira
• son - filho
• proud - orgulhoso
• learn (learn, learnt, learnt) - aprender
• wife - esposa
• stand here - ficar aqui

The Half Cake Diet

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Vocabulary Help

• gain - ganhar
• weight - peso
• cake - bolo
• weekend - final de semana
• eat (eat, ate, eaten) - comer
• half - metade
• dinner - jantar
• stare - olhar fixamente
• thin - fino
• slice - fatia
• lead (lead, led, led) - conduzir, levar
• whole - inteiro
• upset - desapontada
• lack - falta
• willpower - força de vontade
• husband - marido
• commiserate - solidarizar-se com, simpatizar
• find out - descobrir
• smile - sorrir
• make (make, made, made) - fazer

The Fox and the Goat

A FOX one day fell into a deep well and could find no means of escape. A Goat, overcome with thirst, came to the same well, and seeing the Fox, inquired if the water was good. Concealing his sad plight under a merry guise, the Fox indulged in a lavish praise of the water, saying it was excellent beyond measure, and encouraging him to descend. The Goat, mindful only of his thirst, thoughtlessly jumped down, but just as he drank, the Fox informed him of the difficulty they were both in and suggested a scheme for their common escape. "If, said he, you will place your forefeet upon the wall and bend your head, I will run up your back and escape, and will help you out afterwards. The Goat readily assented and the Fox leaped upon his back. Steadying himself with the Goats horns, he safely reached the mouth of the well and made off as fast as he could.

When the Goat upbraided him for breaking his promise, he turned around and cried out, "You foolish old fellow! If you had as many brains in your head as you have hairs in your beard, you would never have gone down before you had inspected the way up, nor have exposed yourself to dangers from which you had no means of escape.

Look before you leap.

Vocabulary Help

• fox - raposa
• goat - bode
• deep well - poço fundo
• means of escape - meios para escapar
• overcome with thirst - subjugado pela sede
• conceal - esconder
• sad plight - situação difícil
• merry guise - disfarce alegre
• lavish - abundante
• praise - elogio
• thoughtlessly - impensadamente
• jump down - pular
• forefeet - patas posteriores
• wall - parede
• bend - curvar
• assent - concordar
• leap - pular
• horn - chifre
• fast - rápido

The Father and His Sons

A FATHER had a family of sons who were perpetually quarreling among themselves. When he failed to heal their disputes by his exhortations, he determined to give them a practical illustration of the evils of disunion; and for this purpose he one day told them to bring him a bundle of sticks.

When they had done so, he placed the faggot into the hands of each of them in succession, and ordered them to break it in pieces. They tried with all their strength, and were not able to do it. He next opened the faggot, took the sticks separately, one by one, and again put them into his sons hands, upon which they broke them easily. He then addressed them in these words: "My sons, if you are of one mind, and unite to assist each other, you will be as this faggot, uninjured by all the attempts of your enemies; but if you are divided among yourselves, you will be broken as easily as these sticks.

Vocabulary Help

• father - pai
• sons - filhos
• quarrel - brigas, disputas
• fail - falhar
• heal - curar
• give (give, gave, given) - dar
• evils - males
• tell (tell, told, told) - dizer, contar
• bundle of sticks - punhado de gravetos
• faggot - feixe
• enemy (enemies) - inimigos
• break (break, broke, broken) - quebrar
• strength - força
• take (take, took, taken) - tomar, pegar
• again - novamente
• uninjured - ileso

The Five Secrets To A Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.

Vocabulary Help

• find (find, found, found) - encontrar
• work around the house - cuida da casa
• cook - cozinhar
• clean - fazer a limpeza
• make you laugh - te faz rir
• dependable - confiável
• lie - mentir
• never meet - nunca se encontrem

The Fight

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said."Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said."So I threw one at him."

The mother stated emphatically,"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

The boy quickly replied,"What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."

Vocabulary Help

• fight - luta, briga
• ashamed - envergonhada
• throw (thrown, threw, thrown) - jogar, arremessar
• rock - pedra
• quick(ly) - rapidamente
• reply - responder
• aim - pontaria

The Father

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor" the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I am a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine".

"Nonsense" the doctor said "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool".

"It isn't possible, this can't be". the man insisted.

"Our families on both sides have had jet black hair for generations".

"Well how often do you have sex with your wife", asked the doctor.

The man seemed a bit embarrassed. "I have been working very hard for the past year. We only make love once or twice every few months".

"Well there you have it", the doctor said confidently, "Its Rust".

Vocabulary Help

• bear (bear, bore, born) - ser gerado, nascer
• don´t mind - não me importo
• tell (tell, told, told) - contar
• upset - chateado
• daughter - filha
• nonsense - besteira
• even though - mesmo que
• both - ambos
• jet black hair - cabelo muito escuro
• how often - com que frequencia
• rust - ferrugem

The Farmer and the Cranes

SOME CRANES made their feeding grounds on some plowlands newly sown with wheat. For a long time the Farmer, brandishing an empty sling, chased them away by the terror he inspired; but when the birds found that the sling was only swung in the air, they ceased to take any notice of it and would not move. The Farmer, on seeing this, charged his sling with stones, and killed a great number. The remaining birds at once forsook his fields, crying to each other, "It is time for us to be off to Liliput: for this man is no longer content to scare us, but begins to show us in earnest what he can do.

If words suffice not, blows must follow.

Vocabulary Help

• feeding ground - local de alimentação
• plowland - campo arado
• sown - semeado
• wheat - trigo
• brandish - brandir
• sling - estilingue
• chase - caçar
• swing - balançar, girar
• cease - parar, cessar
• take notice - notar